One of the most common reactions to divorce is fear. That is very understandable. Who wouldn’t be scared if their entire life came crashing in around them? The problem with fear is not being scared, that’s normal. The problem is acting on fear. That’s when fear becomes a lousy strategy. I have seen time and again how people take matters into their own hands and act on this fear. Bad choices almost always occur. Here are some examples (you can probably relate to some or all of these—and come up with a few of your own!).

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During my separation, I read a book about how to help kids through divorce. The general wisdom in this book regarding what to tell the kids was: 1) Don’t blame the other parent (good advice) and 2) Tell the kids that the reason for the divorce is because mommy and daddy are having “big people problems” (bad advice). I tried this with my kids and it didn’t work. Well, okay, the first part did work. I worked hard to present their mother in a good light even though that was far from reality. That helped the kids not have to pick sides, and it respected the image they had of their mother.

The second bit of advice was lousy. All it did was leave the kids confused and scratching their heads. Telling them their mother and I were having “big people problems” didn’t conform with the reality that they lived. Their day-to-day life was one where they saw mommy and daddy getting along. We were cooperative with each other, rarely fought, and seemed happy. To them, life was good. So, the day that they I told them that their mother and I were getting a divorce came as a complete and total surprise to them. When I tried the “big people problem” line on them, they weren’t buying it. They wanted to know exactly why mommy and daddy were getting a divorce. In their mind, there had to be some significant reason their utopia was ending.

They were right, there were serious reasons why mommy and daddy were getting a divorce. And while these reasons certainly were due to “big people problems,” disclosing them to the kids would shatter the image they had of their mother and create further pain. They kept asking “Why, Daddy, why?” and I kept giving them variations of the “big people problems” line. Nothing I said seemed to satisfy their desire to erase this question mark from their lives.

One day I was expressing this problem to a single-parent friend. She told me that she had experienced the same problem with her kids. With some trial and error, she came up with a solution that worked.  She told her kids that when two people get married, they make a promise to love each other for life. She went on to tell them that for some reason, that she didn’t totally understand, their father decided he could no longer keep that promise. That did the trick. The endless questioning ceased. The question of “Why?” was answered with a very reasonable answer that makes sense to every kid: bad things happen when someone breaks a promise.

I asked the next obvious question which was: “Didn’t they ask you what promise Daddy had broken?”. She said, “Of course! I told them that they would have to ask their father since he would better be able to answer that question.” While this may seem like passing-the-buck over to the other parent, it does at least put the situation into perspective. The other parent will typically be grateful that you didn’t drag them through the mud, or give details of their offenses. For the kids, a big hole in the puzzle of their life has gotten somewhat smaller as some of the pieces have dropped into place.

When I gave this “broken promise” explanation to my kids, the questioning stopped. They almost seemed to relax. They finally had an answer that aligned with the reality they were experiencing: mommy made some kind of major decision because she moved out. This satisfied their need to understand why the divorce happened and helped them to accept it and start to move forward. The “broken promise” became the reason for the divorce shifting the focus away from the details that caused the promise to be broken. While the “broken promise” explanation may not the perfect solution in every circumstance (there isn’t one), it does give the kids something to hold onto that jives with their reality and sense of justice.

(c) Vincent Frese, II
www.divorcedcatholic.org
Twitter, Facebook

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Divorce doesn't have to be a dead-end. 

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4 Ways to Restore a Hopeful Attitude

 

 

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One mother's decision to bring joy to her children at Christmas, despite the divorce.

I remember quite vividly the month of December, 2004. It was when my ex-husband moved out of our home for good. Our three children were confused and rattled by this major change in our family structure during a time that was supposed to be filled with joyful anticipation - Christmas.

The past several years had been hectic with very small children and although I tried to incorporate religious customs into our holiday traditions, I always seemed to come up short. I was sidetracked by my husband's lack of enthusiasm for anything other than secular celebrations and felt as though I was always swimming upstream in my pursuit of sacred tradition.

This year would be different. I had a very strong desire to make this year stand out in a good way. It was, obviously, very different for me and the kids and I felt as though we all needed to be able to cling to the Baby Jesus as we awaited His coming and the beginning of a new life for all of us. The more I thought about this opportunity to share my faith in a significant way with my children, the more excited I became. I began to consider the memories of my childhood and started to pray about ways to resurrect those traditions in my newly-formed family.

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Does this sound familiar?
· A single, Catholic parent
· An ex-spouse who is not supportive of (and possibly hostile towards) the children being raised Catholic.

I can practically see all those heads nodding out there! This scenario is much too familiar. We all know that it?s hard enough to keep our kids Catholic under the best of circumstances. So, how do we manage to keep our homes and our children Catholic under THESE circumstances?

Let me start off by saying, I don?t know. That is, I don?t have any absolute answers to that but I have some experience and some hunches that I?d like to share.

First, a little background?

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How many of us really live by the "Our Father"?

Perhaps the most widely recognized prayer in Christianity is the "Our Father". Many Catholics say this prayer daily, beseeching the Lord to "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". I often wonder how many of us realize the importance of what we are asking and how well we live according to those words? Can we really expect that Jesus will forgive our sins, no matter how egregious, when we can't let go of the comparatively petty missteps done to us? Forget that He's God, forget that His mercy is infinite, what about justice? If we aren't forgiving, we are asking to have it both ways - we want His mercy but are unwilling to offer our mercy to others. At the root of the issue of course, is our pride, our resistance to forgive, and our inclination to avenge a wrong.

Our society isn't big on forgiveness. We're more likely to seek legal advice in a bid to get even for a wrong committed against us, in contradiction to what the Gospel teaches. The concept of individual rights has us running around believing we are little gods. No one can offend us and get away with it; no one can make an honest mistake and hurt us without our getting even. So we take each other to court. Forgiveness usually isn't even a consideration. But Jesus would have us do otherwise - "Love one another as I have loved you".

Our Savior gave his life so that you and I have recourse when we sin by confessing our sins to a priest. Before Jesus came, the sinner carried the burden of guilt and shame with no perceptible means of knowing God's forgiveness no matter how remorseful he might have been. His Church offers the sinner the Sacrament of Reconciliation - a tangible exchange of remorse and repentance on the part of the sinner; forgiveness and absolution on the part of God - what a blessing! And yet our pride keeps us from receiving this beautiful gift.

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Finding your best self

Does your divorce make you feel "out of control"? That feeling is something everyone struggles with at one time or another. It is true, there is much that we cannot control, but with God's grace, we can choose to control ourselves. A discerning focus on our own thoughts and behavior can give us a sense of empowerment in situations that, at first glance, may seem unmanageable. No one is perfect, but working to find that best self - even on a hard day - is a worthy effort. It may be a reasonable goal for a difficult year ahead.

Living a life that reflects habits of moral goodness gives us a sense that we are worthy human beings. While we may feel that those who commit immoral acts deserve to be punished, punitive aggression is rarely helpful and most often wrong. Even in an unjust situation, we are always responsible for our own behavior.

How we suffer is an essential statement of who we are. The way that we react to tragedy is to some extent a choice. If we think hateful, angry thoughts we will surely feel angry and hateful. Even though anger can often be understood in the context of the wrong that we may have endured, responding in a tit for tat manner is not the right thing to do. It will compromise our better self, not to mention the poor role modeling for others, especially our children.

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Getting through the holidays can be difficult when you're divorced, and just when they seem to be over and you think you can breathe easy, here comes Valentine's Day! A celebration of love? Yeah, right! For a man or woman who is divorced, celebrating love is very hard to do. That is, of course, unless you know the secret...

I've heard people say they avoid the "pink" isles in stores at all costs. I've heard some say they take the money they would have spent on their spouses and spend it on themselves instead. One woman even went so far as to send herself a bouquet of roses to her office with an "anonymous admirer" note to defray the embarrassment of her divorce in front of others. Okay, it's entirely reasonable to not want to be embarrassed or feel bad. But what is everyone trying to accomplish in doing these things? It's simple. They want to believe they are desireable, valuable, and worthy of being loved. Do you know what the secret to finding that kind of peace of mind is?

Valentine's Day is actually a feast day in honor of St. Valentine (Valentinus) which began in the year 496 AD. Valentinus was a Roman priest who married Christian couples in secret and gave aid to other Christians during this time of persecution. He was actually brutally beaten and then beheaded for refusing to renounce his faith. In this day and age, one might wonder what would make someone want to die instead of disavow their faith? Well, St. Valentinus knew the secret, and that was why he was ready to die in an instant for his faith.

The secret is simple - finding your self-worth in Christ. Understanding how much He loves you - how much He sacrificed for you. Try to imagine being passionately loved... the most wildly passionate love you have ever dreamed of. Now realize that this is how God loves you. You are worth everything to Him and He demonstrated that when He hung on the cross and gave you everything He had to give. You are the one He wants and He pursues you at every moment of the day. He wants to give you the love, peace and happiness you've been waiting for.

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