During my separation, I read a book about how to help kids through divorce. The general wisdom in this book regarding what to tell the kids was: 1) Don’t blame the other parent (good advice) and 2) Tell the kids that the reason for the divorce is because mommy and daddy are having “big people problems” (bad advice). I tried this with my kids and it didn’t work. Well, okay, the first part did work. I worked hard to present their mother in a good light even though that was far from reality. That helped the kids not have to pick sides, and it respected the image they had of their mother.

The second bit of advice was lousy. All it did was leave the kids confused and scratching their heads. Telling them their mother and I were having “big people problems” didn’t conform with the reality that they lived. Their day-to-day life was one where they saw mommy and daddy getting along. We were cooperative with each other, rarely fought, and seemed happy. To them, life was good. So, the day that they I told them that their mother and I were getting a divorce came as a complete and total surprise to them. When I tried the “big people problem” line on them, they weren’t buying it. They wanted to know exactly why mommy and daddy were getting a divorce. In their mind, there had to be some significant reason their utopia was ending.

They were right, there were serious reasons why mommy and daddy were getting a divorce. And while these reasons certainly were due to “big people problems,” disclosing them to the kids would shatter the image they had of their mother and create further pain. They kept asking “Why, Daddy, why?” and I kept giving them variations of the “big people problems” line. Nothing I said seemed to satisfy their desire to erase this question mark from their lives.

One day I was expressing this problem to a single-parent friend. She told me that she had experienced the same problem with her kids. With some trial and error, she came up with a solution that worked.  She told her kids that when two people get married, they make a promise to love each other for life. She went on to tell them that for some reason, that she didn’t totally understand, their father decided he could no longer keep that promise. That did the trick. The endless questioning ceased. The question of “Why?” was answered with a very reasonable answer that makes sense to every kid: bad things happen when someone breaks a promise.

I asked the next obvious question which was: “Didn’t they ask you what promise Daddy had broken?”. She said, “Of course! I told them that they would have to ask their father since he would better be able to answer that question.” While this may seem like passing-the-buck over to the other parent, it does at least put the situation into perspective. The other parent will typically be grateful that you didn’t drag them through the mud, or give details of their offenses. For the kids, a big hole in the puzzle of their life has gotten somewhat smaller as some of the pieces have dropped into place.

When I gave this “broken promise” explanation to my kids, the questioning stopped. They almost seemed to relax. They finally had an answer that aligned with the reality they were experiencing: mommy made some kind of major decision because she moved out. This satisfied their need to understand why the divorce happened and helped them to accept it and start to move forward. The “broken promise” became the reason for the divorce shifting the focus away from the details that caused the promise to be broken. While the “broken promise” explanation may not the perfect solution in every circumstance (there isn’t one), it does give the kids something to hold onto that jives with their reality and sense of justice.

(c) Vincent Frese, II
www.divorcedcatholic.org
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Divorce doesn't have to be a dead-end. 

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4 Ways to Restore a Hopeful Attitude

 

 

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For months now, Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of the reality show "Jon and Kate Plus 8" have been in all the headlines with their divorce, new relationships, and the future of their 8 children being the forefront of gossip and speculation. While divorce is an all too typical and easy answer for couples who "fall out of love" these days, I believe that one can ever prepare for the devastation a divorce brings into the lives of the spouses and the children. But even more so, I believe something about divorce that is completely contrary to modern social thinking today... that the very breaking point in a marriage relationship is actually an opportunity for a greater, more refined love between spouses. At least it should be. Let explain myself, beginning first with an analogy:

I used to train sales people years ago, and sometimes in our meetings I would conduct a very interesting experiment. I would choose 3 people and ask them to participate in a quick exercise. First, I would ask them to raise their right hands and they always did so eagerly. Then I would ask them to stand up, turn around, and sit down again. No one ever refused, although it was easy to sense their hesitancy and discomfort. Finally, I would ask them to stand up and turn their chairs upside down. This was always met with a dead reaction. No one would ever do it! I would then ask this question: "If I told you there was money underneath your chair, would you change your mind?" The reaction was always positive. "Well, there is money underneath your chair, so turn it over if you will and get your money!" I had taped $10 bills underneath the three chairs before the meeting began. People loved getting the money and I had proven my point which is people will give you what you want as long as it's not too uncomfortable. When it becomes too uncomfortable, the focus becomes, "what's in it for me?" I believe that this is the primary reason why marriages today fail. The spouses give as long as they are comfortable, but when the going gets tough, they start asking, "What's in it for me?" and if it's not enough, they stop giving, thereby turning the relationship into a losing battle.

Marital bliss is not achieved by one spouse expecting the other to make him/her happy all the time. That's the "what's in it for me" attitude that will cause the relationship to crash and burn.

Sandra McKay, LMFT, President and Co-Founder of the Catholic Psychotherapy Association has said, "I've seen some of the greatest pain for abandoned spouses in the fact that they are not given the chance to understand what was irritating their spouses or causing them to want to leave. They want to say to the one who left, 'I could have worked on that! I could have changed that!' But they're never given the chance, they're just left in the cold."

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This morning (7/29/09), CNN News Online published an article entitled, Divorce Takes Health Toll That Remarriage Can't Repair, Study Says. The first paragraph of this article states, "Divorce causes more than bitterness and broken hearts. The trauma of a split can leave long-lasting effects on mental and physical health that remarriage might not repair, according to research released this week."

I am always encouraged when secular society takes note of the negative consequences of divorce, instead of promoting it as an easy way out of unhappiness or declaring that it's just what everybody does these days. Anyone who has suffered through this completely devastating experience understands the toll that is taken on an emotional, physical, social, and spiritual level and can see that the study highlighted in the news article is fairly accurate. When my own divorce occurred 16 years ago, I dropped weight rapidly, without trying. This sudden weight loss was a direct result of the grief I was suffering through and after about 6 months, my weight came to rest at about 87lbs. I didn't get back to a healthy weight for several years afterward and suffered a lot from a weakened immune system. The article points out that the lasting health effects of the stress divorced men and women deal with can easily become chronic conditions.

But there's an interesting point the article makes in stating that "remarriage can't repair" the damage that's been done. A very interesting statement, and I believe it is an indication that the truth about healing after divorce is missed altogether by our society. Of course most people who divorce would like to find love again and enjoy the security, love and affection, and acceptance that comes with remarriage and would naturally assume that having this again would "repair" the damage of the prior relationship. But the divorce rate for second marriages is even higher, significantly higher than it is for first marriages, which indicates a new relationship/new marriage is not "the great healer" of broken hearts. If the hard work of healing from the past does not get done first, then entering into a new relationship will likely only contribute more pain and suffering.

I can attest to this, for I have made the mistake of trying to fix what was broken with a new relationship - more than once. It does not work! I was not healed, not even close. I thought I could love someone else but didn't realize my heart was completely occupied with anger and resentment; there was no room for love. But after learning through those mistakes, I embraced my faith wholeheartedly, went through the annulment process, and worked hard on myself to prepare properly for a new relationship. This was a difficult process to go through but if I hadn't, I would not be able to live this beautiful new life God has given me; remarried for 9 years with 3 children doctors told me I would never be able to conceive. And I have no lasting health problems from the stress I endured from my divorce.

My point... God is the Great Healer and the only way to find true peace and healing after a divorce is through faith and through His grace. More importantly, if you are divorced and desire a future relationship, receiving the gift of complete healing and inner peace is really the only way to ensure you are ready to be in a relationship again, to give yourself entirely to another, which is what marriage is really all about. It is impossible to live the "self-donation" aspect of marriage if all you have to offer is a broken heart that has not forgiven those who have hurt you. But you may wonder how it is possible to realize this healing after your life was completely destroyed by divorce? No doubt, the healing will not take place overnight... especially for those who have been married a long time. There are many layers of hurt to address and deal with. But there are certain things that will catapult you forward on the road to healing if you earnestly put them into action. Here are my suggestions:

1. Do not indulge in obsessive/compulsive behavior. It's typical that when pain and mental anguish become overwhelming, a person will do something to combat the pain. Drinking, over-eating, gambling, shopping, smoking, even viewing pornography, unfortunately, are all things people do in an attempt to block their bad feelings. If you indulge yourself in this way, you are prohibiting your healing. But how do you deal with those overwhelming emotions that arise? Pray! Pray for strength! Grab your keys and go for a run! Clean out your basement! Mow the lawn! When you are trying to avoid something bad, replace it with something good and as you run, or clean, or mow, or go to the chapel to pray, or whatever good thing you choose to do, take your thoughts and emotions with you and process them with God's help... He is waiting for you to ask for help!

2. Forgive those who have hurt you. I know to many this seems patently impossible, but with God, all things are possible. Forgiveness is one of the primary keys to healing a broken heart. Forgiveness does not mean the perpetrator of the hurt is suddenly "let off the hook" and bears no responsibility, but it does mean that you are relieved of the burden of the hurt. People expend enormous amounts of energy in holding grudges and stoking the flames of resentment and without realizing, completely block themselves off from experiencing joy and happiness. Forgiveness of those who have hurt you brings a freedom and a peace that cannot be realized otherwise. But again, it does not take place overnight and more importantly, we cannot do it all ourselves. Ask God for His help.

3. Look forward. Don't forget that, even though the divorce experience is devastating, there is still life to be lived. There are still good things to be had. Don't allow your divorce to take that away from you!

Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are God's masterpiece..." (International Standard Version). What a beautiful illustration of the way God sees us, as His masterpieces! This can only mean one thing, that for all our trials and sufferings, God is constantly there, working on our hearts and souls, creating His masterpieces. If you take some time to reflect upon this passage, I believe you will find great comfort in it. For those who suffer from divorce or any traumatic hurt, remember this as you walk the path to healing and let it be your motivation to remain strong.

In addition to DivorcedCatholic.com, you can also find Lisa Duffy at DiscoverYourInnerBeauty.com.

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 Happy Good Friday to you all! As we commemorate the suffering and death of Christ today, I wanted to share a few thoughts with you about my own divorce experience and how I found ways to see the positives about my situation.

When my ex-spouse left almost 16 years ago, I was devastated. I was suddenly overwhelmed with extreme emotions; anger, shock, sadness, disillusionment. For the first few weeks afterward I felt quite dazed and numb. Later, I began to ride the merry-go-round of revolving emotions as I tried to move forward in life. I was an emotional wreck for several years afterward and it was primarily due to the fact that I was angry with God. I was cold in my relationship with Him and although I still attended mass each Sunday, it was very difficult to do. I wanted to know WHY! Why did you let this happen, God?!

It wasn't until I set aside my anger and embraced my faith that I began to find some answers. And I realized something profound... my divorce was not part of God's plan for my life, but honestly, my marriage was not part of His plan, either. When I looked back at the relationship I had with my ex-spouse both before and after we were married, I realized how I never once asked God if marrying my ex was what He wanted for me. I made no spiritual discernment whatsoever. I simply got lost in the self-centeredness of my own plans. I regret that mistake like none other.

From that point on, when the pain of what had happened was difficult to bear (which was pretty much every day) I would visit Jesus on the Cross in some way; sometimes at Church, sometimes in silent prayer, but always placing myself at the foot of the Cross and laying my suffering at His feet. I was weak, sad, and lonely, and the only real consolation I found was there with Jesus as He suffered for me.

Doing this helped me see that there were good things happening as a result of my divorce, primarily, that I was now free to practice my faith without hesitation. My former spouse was a Catholic when we married, but I typically went to Mass alone on Sundays. He had a difficult time with my desire to practice my faith and told me at one point that if he knew I was "that Catholic" he never would have married me to begin with. But now, I was free to be as Catholic as I wanted! And believe me, after years of feeling at such odds with Christ, I welcomed every opportunity to practice my faith, and did so with joy.

There are many other "silver linings" to the black cloud of divorce that I found along my journey of healing and probably the most significant one is the gift of forgiveness. I have been able to forgive myself for the terrible mistakes I made, both during my marriage and after the divorce, and I have been able to completely forgive my ex-spouse, something that I used to believe was impossible. It's a great and freeing feeling to release that burden and I have prayed for his well-being and that of his wife and childen for years.

Today, which is also my ex-spouses birthday, I pray you will bring your sufferings to Christ, whatever they may be, and that He will grant you the consolation and peace you seek, as well as helping you to see the "silver linings" of your own situtation.

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One mother's decision to bring joy to her children at Christmas, despite the divorce.

I remember quite vividly the month of December, 2004. It was when my ex-husband moved out of our home for good. Our three children were confused and rattled by this major change in our family structure during a time that was supposed to be filled with joyful anticipation - Christmas.

The past several years had been hectic with very small children and although I tried to incorporate religious customs into our holiday traditions, I always seemed to come up short. I was sidetracked by my husband's lack of enthusiasm for anything other than secular celebrations and felt as though I was always swimming upstream in my pursuit of sacred tradition.

This year would be different. I had a very strong desire to make this year stand out in a good way. It was, obviously, very different for me and the kids and I felt as though we all needed to be able to cling to the Baby Jesus as we awaited His coming and the beginning of a new life for all of us. The more I thought about this opportunity to share my faith in a significant way with my children, the more excited I became. I began to consider the memories of my childhood and started to pray about ways to resurrect those traditions in my newly-formed family.

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Does this sound familiar?
· A single, Catholic parent
· An ex-spouse who is not supportive of (and possibly hostile towards) the children being raised Catholic.

I can practically see all those heads nodding out there! This scenario is much too familiar. We all know that it?s hard enough to keep our kids Catholic under the best of circumstances. So, how do we manage to keep our homes and our children Catholic under THESE circumstances?

Let me start off by saying, I don?t know. That is, I don?t have any absolute answers to that but I have some experience and some hunches that I?d like to share.

First, a little background?

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How many of us really live by the "Our Father"?

Perhaps the most widely recognized prayer in Christianity is the "Our Father". Many Catholics say this prayer daily, beseeching the Lord to "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". I often wonder how many of us realize the importance of what we are asking and how well we live according to those words? Can we really expect that Jesus will forgive our sins, no matter how egregious, when we can't let go of the comparatively petty missteps done to us? Forget that He's God, forget that His mercy is infinite, what about justice? If we aren't forgiving, we are asking to have it both ways - we want His mercy but are unwilling to offer our mercy to others. At the root of the issue of course, is our pride, our resistance to forgive, and our inclination to avenge a wrong.

Our society isn't big on forgiveness. We're more likely to seek legal advice in a bid to get even for a wrong committed against us, in contradiction to what the Gospel teaches. The concept of individual rights has us running around believing we are little gods. No one can offend us and get away with it; no one can make an honest mistake and hurt us without our getting even. So we take each other to court. Forgiveness usually isn't even a consideration. But Jesus would have us do otherwise - "Love one another as I have loved you".

Our Savior gave his life so that you and I have recourse when we sin by confessing our sins to a priest. Before Jesus came, the sinner carried the burden of guilt and shame with no perceptible means of knowing God's forgiveness no matter how remorseful he might have been. His Church offers the sinner the Sacrament of Reconciliation - a tangible exchange of remorse and repentance on the part of the sinner; forgiveness and absolution on the part of God - what a blessing! And yet our pride keeps us from receiving this beautiful gift.

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Finding your best self

Does your divorce make you feel "out of control"? That feeling is something everyone struggles with at one time or another. It is true, there is much that we cannot control, but with God's grace, we can choose to control ourselves. A discerning focus on our own thoughts and behavior can give us a sense of empowerment in situations that, at first glance, may seem unmanageable. No one is perfect, but working to find that best self - even on a hard day - is a worthy effort. It may be a reasonable goal for a difficult year ahead.

Living a life that reflects habits of moral goodness gives us a sense that we are worthy human beings. While we may feel that those who commit immoral acts deserve to be punished, punitive aggression is rarely helpful and most often wrong. Even in an unjust situation, we are always responsible for our own behavior.

How we suffer is an essential statement of who we are. The way that we react to tragedy is to some extent a choice. If we think hateful, angry thoughts we will surely feel angry and hateful. Even though anger can often be understood in the context of the wrong that we may have endured, responding in a tit for tat manner is not the right thing to do. It will compromise our better self, not to mention the poor role modeling for others, especially our children.

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